2008

 Last night I stayed at a "Parroquial"  (run by the local volunteers from the parish) "Donativo" (pay by donation, no set fee) Albergue in a tiny town called Granon. It was incredibly basic, with 24 of us on mattresses on the one floor. But we all cooked dinner together, ate dinner together, and many of us went to Mass together. Then we all gathered in the choir loft for a candlelit prayer. Everyone was invited to share why they are on the Camino, and even though I couldn't understand most of the people (as even the Scandinavians and others who speak English for the sake of the rest of us spoke their native tongue) I could feel the passion in the sharing. 

Earlier in the afternoon the incredibly talented Norwegian Isaac led the guys in a pop up choir in three part harmony. We sang outside the bar, then at the dinner, and then we all joined in a few songs after the prayer. It was one of the lovely serendipitous Camino moments. 

The kilometers are whizzing past, but nothing much to report from today's walk, which included time with Australian Michael, and Italian Giuseppe pictured here. 

Today I remembered 2008. It was a difficult year. 

Bishop David and I had planned to do a new model of priestly formation based in the parish and realised this would only truly work if the parish priest was the formator so that the two could be integrated. So I was appointed parish priest of St Ives in June 2008 and moved into the formation house with our then two seminarians. 

St Ives Parish had previously been the cathedral parish but the cathedral had recently moved so the parishioners had this fresh energy about their parish and were willing to have the seminarians be a part of it. We were off to a great start. 

A challenging episode in this time was that the assistant priest struggled with alcohol, and he had recently been traumatised by the news that several people in his home town had been killed in a massacre in his country. He was celebrating Mass one evening, and I just looked in the back window to see how it was going, and to my horror I realised that he was drunk. He was slurring his words and stumbling. I wrestled with what to do, if I could intervene, and when. I vested up and at the sign of peace walked up to the altar and quietly had the acolyte escort him home while I stepped in to continue Mass and apologised that Fr X wasn't well. Some people understood what was going on, others didn't. Bishop David then got him some help. 

But the surprise was yet to come. I had only been in the parish for one week when the bishop rang and said "I'm so sorry to ask you this, but would you please move to Waitara ASAP". Waitara had become the new cathedral parish, and the parish priest there had become unable to continue. I usually give a straight yes to the bishop, but this time I asked for some time to consider it. Under Canon Law a parish priest has the right to complete his six year appointment, and I could dig my heels in and stay, and the bishop would be unable to move me in that time. 

I took this to my spiritual director Bishop Bede Heather who advised me to said yes to my bishop as my way of saying yes to Jesus. This didn't mean that the bishop would always be right, but in saying yes, I would be faithful to Jesus and to my ordination promise. So I said a reluctant yes and moved myself and the formation house to Waitara. 

Waitara was complex. It had been its own thriving parish for many years but had in recent years hosted a Korean Catholic community. The Korean community were highly structured and organised, and expanded rapidly which led to competition with the English speaking ministries for space and resources. It was quite tense. And then to become the Cathedral added another layer of complexity. There was a liturgical perfectionism among some leading parishioners and staff which I had no interest in, and this caused tension too. I soon realised why my predecessor had struggled so much. 

I started waking up in the middle of the night with various school alarm which seemed to go off about 1am most mornings, and then I would lie awake with my head spinning for several hours. My image for the parish was a box of eels which I just couldn't get a grasp on. 

Lack of sleep, stress and worry spiralled together and I started to feel flat and distant and disengaged all the time. I could do the basic set pieces of parish life but I was no longer engaged in the life of the parish in the way I would usually be. I felt like I was playing a Game of Church for other people's expectations. I soon realised that I was depressed. 

I sought help from a doctor who confirmed with an inventory that I was indeed moderately depressed, and he suggested monitoring me before suggesting any medication. 

I went to Bishop David to explain my situation, secretly hoping that he would rescue me and get me out of there. Instead, he told me that he also suffered from depression at times, and said I now had decisions to make about whether I would follow my feelings or choose to do my best in life and ministry. It was incredibly challenging and empowering. I thought then about how many people live like this all the time, and don't fall in a heap, but struggle and get on with life.  I wondered how many sleep deprived new mothers, with or without the label of post partum depression must suffer this.  

Over the next few months I worked against my feelings. Prayer was hard, but I strove with it. I knew that I had to regulate my sleep so I would get up at dawn and go walking to get sunlight in my eyes, even if I had only fallen back to sleep at 5am (or not at all). I always enjoyed jogging, but lost all interest in it, yet I kept it up, knowing that exercise and sunshine are good natural remedies for depression. 

And slowly the fog lifted, and as it did, I was able to initiate some of the practical things in the parish which would allow me to re-engage in the parish in my usual way, starting with fixing the alarms. 

I learned  lot from this time.  I used to be very judgemental of my fellow priests who were burnt out or overly self protective, but through this episode I began to see how a priest could get there and I started to have more compassion and forgiveness.

There's more to this story, but it takes place in 2009.....